Weigh-In 3...

Hi Everyone,

I hope ye are all doing well since I was talking to ye last…

So weigh-in three came and went and I am so disappointed to say I was up a pound, I was really upset by the result, I had worked hard all week and to make matters worse I actually felt lighter and people had mentioned to me that I looked lighter too so I had a spark in my belly walking into the GAA centre on Wednesday evening but the spark soon went when I stood up on the scales and saw the number that was in front of me!

I sat down on for my meeting with my cup of coffee, I was tired, hungry, surprised, disappointed, I was just a mixture of emotions, I kind of drifted off into my own little world for a few seconds, looking up at others getting up on the scales and you would know the people who had a loss straight away, it was all in their facial expressions, although I felt such a sense of disappointment I was glad for the people who had a loss after their week because they obviously had put the work in and they deserved to see a positive result on the scale…

Despite my gain I stayed for the meeting and I am so glad I did, listening to the other girls gave me a bit of my spark back and even just talking about my own gain helped me to realise that I had not followed the plan right during the week so at least I had an explanation as to why I had a gain, which I was glad for because it made me feel that I was not completely unable to lose weight and it taught me that I need to really research things better and make sure that I understand a plan fully before I embark on it! 

With every negative comes a positive…

On the way home in the car I was thinking of the blog and how I was going to tell everyone that I had a gain, I felt that I had let people down in some way and I felt a sense of shame and regret that I had not worked harder to make the number on the scales less than last week.

A question also popped into my head, it’s not a scientific question or a question that has a universal answer, it is a question that does require each individual to answer themselves, it’s a question that sounds very simple but I think when you start to think about it, it can be a bit confusing and emotionally draining!

The question is “can you be overweight and happy?”

Driving home I thought about this and I just looked at my own situation. I am a big girl, there’s no denying that, I know I’m heavy and I know I’m morbidly obese, the number on the scales can back me up on that one (I’m all for having friends supporting you but one friend I don’t want to rely on is the number on the scales so I’m sorting out that number sooner rather than later!).

I have been big all my life really and I have been told numerous times “I’m a fine strong girl” or “I was tall” or the age old classic of having a “very bubbly personality”, don’t get me wrong I like that people think I’m bubbly and I do try to be a happy go lucky person with a glass half full personality, but sometimes the word “bubbly” is the last emotion in the world I would use to describe how I feel, sometimes I look in the mirror and I think “am I genuinely 100% happy with myself or am I putting on an act?”.

When I’m out and about I find myself zoning in on the heavier people and wondering are they happy or are they putting on an act, I never find out the answer as it is up to each person themselves to answer the question as they are the only ones who actually know how they feel themselves, but I sometimes find myself thinking that they may not be, I sort of hope that they aren’t content because at least then I know I am not alone or I am not weird for feeling like I have to put on an act to be happy with my size.

She looks great!! *claps for Dawn*

Personally, I find it very hard to believe that being overweight can make people feel content within themselves… that is my own personal opinion and I am not answering for everyone when I say that as I know everyone feels different, I have seen so many people who have being overweight and said they were happy, celebrities being a prime example, and then they lose the weight and they are on the front of magazine covers saying that they weren’t really happy with how they felt about themselves, celebrities that stick out in my mind as I write this are Dawn French, Coleen Nolan and Fearne Britton, these women are all in the entertainment business and each and every single one of them are successful in their own right and their happiness when they lost the weight shone through in the way they looked, not only did they look great physically but you could see they were happy in themselves, their smile and glow said more than and size dress ever could!

My bubbly personality has become my mask, it’s now my safety guard, when I feel uncomfortable in a situation or I feel very self-conscious I  tend to smile or laugh as it’s so much easier to smile and look happy than to admit exactly how down and fed up I am with how I look... 

When I go out anywhere I have outfits that I can “hide” in, not that I go out much because I am just too ashamed at how I have let myself go and I feel like such a whale anywhere I go, I get nervous, I sweat, I feel like crying I just feel like the ugliest person in the world. Having to constantly hide my figure is so draining and it does take its toll, in terms of my physical, mental, emotional and social well-being especially my confidence and self-esteem, at this moment in time my confidence and self-esteem is at an all-time low, I feel very insecure about myself on a daily basis, I am constantly worrying about how others perceive me, I believe that people think I am physically unattractive, that they are constantly talking about me and commenting on my weight and I feel very uncomfortable about being seen in public, one of my goals is to try and improve on this bit by bit and one day I hope to be able to go shopping or go to the cinema without feeling like I shouldn't be there or everyone is talking about how big I am.

I am very good at putting on a show for others, I look in the mirror sometimes and I don’t recognise who I’m looking at, I hate looking at myself so much so that I would try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror (it explains why my hair looks like I got electrocuted half the time!!) even when putting on make-up I found a way to do it without actually having to look at myself it’s hard to explain, it was if my brain could just put on the make up without having to register the reflection in the mirror but now I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to stay the way I am, I am done trying to convince myself that I am happy being overweight.

Each and every single one of us owe it to ourselves to be happy, truly happy and we deserve to live the best possible life that we can.

We have the power to change, take each day as it comes and embrace each day, not every day is going to be easy, we will have days when we want to scream, cry, eat or just feel like punching someone in the face, it’s important to remember that that’s ok, that’s emotions, they’re normal although they are incredibly inconvenient at times! 

However we have the choice to deal with situations as they arise, I saw on the internet a few weeks ago that the only difference between a good day and a bad day is our own attitude so at some stage, whether it be today, tomorrow, next week, whenever it may be take a look at your attitude and then take a look at situations that are currently causing you stress, or unnecessary angst and pain and see is there a way you can change your attitude towards these situations, if you can come up with a different method of dealing with it maybe try that and see how it goes!! Good Luck with it… I hope you can get a balance…

Through this time of change it is important to think of those around us, sometimes it is the people who we are closest to and the people that we love the most that actually can be the worst supporters of our change because they find it very hard to get used to the new person we are trying to become, they are so used to us being a certain way that it can be hard for them to understand why exactly it is we want to lose weight and especially if like me you were always so happy and content by hiding behind your “mask”, it can be confusing for them to think that we were not happy with the way we were and the phrases such as “Shure aren’t you grand the way you are” or “why would you want to go losing weight”, it is times like this that you really have to trust the voice within and remind yourself that your decision to lose weight is for yourself and it is about doing what is right for you. 

For me, I know that I have lost weight before, just over four stone and I know I never took full advantage of that weight loss, I think I just felt it wasn’t a great achievement at the time  and in the end I put the weight all back on along with a few more stone and I wish now that I could go back and see myself then, bottle up how good I felt and looked, unfortunately there’s no time machine that can do that (seriously I think a time machine should be higher on a scientists to-do list!!)

But I can go back to that time, not using a time machine or point my finger like Sabrina the Teenage Witch and have my wishes appear at the speed of light, I have to go the old-fashioned route of plain hard work, I want to do it though because at the moment I do not like how I look, my weight certainly does not make me feel good about myself and I am not happy with being overweight. I don’t want to spend any more years of my life feeling like crap, trying to cover up everything, being constantly worried about people looking at me and wondering what they are thinking about me.

I know that there is not a better time than right now to change.

One of my goals in the future is to be able to go out in public, stand tall, wear what I want to wear and feel good about myself… I know that this goal is a long way off but it’s one of my goals and as the saying goes “If you can dream it, you can achieve it”

I would be very interested in knowing if you too feel the same as me or do you feel different??

Everyone is different, everyone has different weights, body shapes, personalities and opinions however we all have one common goal and that is to make that number on the scale smaller week by week and we can do it, let the sunshine in and shine bright like a diamond… (I bet some of ye started to sing Rihanna after seeing that line haha)

Take it one day at a time…

One pound at a time…

Remember if ye need to vent or feel down or anything ye can contact me on my e-mail address, I’m always here.

Happy Slimming,

Little Miss Sunshine

Xx