Hi Everyone,
I hope ye are all doing well since I was talking to ye last…
So weigh-in three came and went and I am so disappointed to
say I was up a pound, I was really upset by the result, I had worked hard all
week and to make matters worse I actually felt lighter and people had mentioned
to me that I looked lighter too so I had a spark in my belly walking into the
GAA centre on Wednesday evening but the spark soon went when I stood up on the
scales and saw the number that was in front of me!
I sat down on for my meeting with my cup of coffee, I was
tired, hungry, surprised, disappointed, I was just a mixture of emotions, I
kind of drifted off into my own little world for a few seconds, looking up at
others getting up on the scales and you would know the people who had a loss
straight away, it was all in their facial expressions, although I felt such a
sense of disappointment I was glad for the people who had a loss after their
week because they obviously had put the work in and they deserved to see a
positive result on the scale…
Despite my gain I stayed for the meeting and I am so glad I
did, listening to the other girls gave me a bit of my spark back and even just
talking about my own gain helped me to realise that I had not followed the plan
right during the week so at least I had an explanation as to why I had a gain,
which I was glad for because it made me feel that I was not completely unable
to lose weight and it taught me that I need to really research things better
and make sure that I understand a plan fully before I embark on it!
With every
negative comes a positive…
On the way home in the car I was thinking of the blog and
how I was going to tell everyone that I had a gain, I felt that I had let
people down in some way and I felt a sense of shame and regret that I had not
worked harder to make the number on the scales less than last week.
A question also popped into my head, it’s not a scientific
question or a question that has a universal answer, it is a question that does
require each individual to answer themselves, it’s a question that sounds very
simple but I think when you start to think about it, it can be a bit confusing
and emotionally draining!
The question is “can you be overweight and happy?”
Driving home I thought about this and I just looked at my
own situation. I am a big girl, there’s no denying that, I know I’m heavy and I
know I’m morbidly obese, the number on the scales can back me up on that one (I’m
all for having friends supporting you but one friend I don’t want to rely on is
the number on the scales so I’m sorting out that number sooner rather than
later!).
I have been big all my life really and I have been told
numerous times “I’m a fine strong girl” or “I was tall” or the age old classic
of having a “very bubbly personality”, don’t get me wrong I like that people
think I’m bubbly and I do try to be a happy go lucky person with a glass half
full personality, but sometimes the word “bubbly” is the last emotion in the
world I would use to describe how I feel, sometimes I look in the mirror and I
think “am I genuinely 100% happy with myself or am I putting on an act?”.
When I’m out and about I find myself zoning in on the
heavier people and wondering are they happy or are they putting on an act, I
never find out the answer as it is up to each person themselves to answer the
question as they are the only ones who actually know how they feel themselves, but
I sometimes find myself thinking that they may not be, I sort of hope that they
aren’t content because at least then I know I am not alone or I am not weird
for feeling like I have to put on an act to be happy with my size.
 |
| She looks great!! *claps for Dawn* |
Personally, I find it very hard to believe that being
overweight can make people feel content within themselves… that is my own personal
opinion and I am not answering for everyone when I say that as I know everyone
feels different, I have seen so many people who have being overweight and said
they were happy, celebrities being a prime example, and then they lose the
weight and they are on the front of magazine covers saying that they weren’t
really happy with how they felt about themselves, celebrities that stick out in
my mind as I write this are Dawn French, Coleen Nolan and Fearne Britton, these
women are all in the entertainment business and each and every single one of
them are successful in their own right and their happiness when they lost the
weight shone through in the way they looked, not only did they look great
physically but you could see they were happy in themselves, their smile and
glow said more than and size dress ever could!
My bubbly personality has become my mask, it’s now my safety
guard, when I feel uncomfortable in a situation or I feel very self-conscious I
tend to smile or laugh as it’s so much
easier to smile and look happy than to admit exactly how down and fed up I am
with how I look...
When I go out anywhere I have outfits that I can “hide” in,
not that I go out much because I am just too ashamed at how I have let myself go
and I feel like such a whale anywhere I go, I get nervous, I sweat, I feel like
crying I just feel like the ugliest person in the world. Having to constantly
hide my figure is so draining and it does take its toll, in terms of my
physical, mental, emotional and social well-being especially my confidence and
self-esteem, at this moment in time my confidence and self-esteem is at an all-time
low, I feel very insecure about myself on a daily basis, I am constantly
worrying about how others perceive me, I believe that people think I am physically
unattractive, that they are constantly talking about me and commenting on my
weight and I feel very uncomfortable about being seen in public, one of my
goals is to try and improve on this bit by bit and one day I hope to be able to
go shopping or go to the cinema without feeling like I shouldn't be there or
everyone is talking about how big I am.
I am very good at putting on a show for others, I look in
the mirror sometimes and I don’t recognise who I’m looking at, I hate looking
at myself so much so that I would try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror
(it explains why my hair looks like I got electrocuted half the time!!) even
when putting on make-up I found a way to do it without actually having to look
at myself it’s hard to explain, it was if my brain could just put on the make
up without having to register the reflection in the mirror but now I don’t want
to do that, I don’t want to stay the way I am, I am done trying to convince myself
that I am happy being overweight.
Each and every single one of us owe it to ourselves to be
happy, truly happy and we deserve to live the best possible life that we can.
We have the power to change, take each day as it comes and
embrace each day, not every day is going to be easy, we will have days when we
want to scream, cry, eat or just feel like punching someone in the face, it’s
important to remember that that’s ok, that’s emotions, they’re normal although
they are incredibly inconvenient at times!
However we have the choice to deal
with situations as they arise, I saw on the internet a few weeks ago that the
only difference between a good day and a bad day is our own attitude so at some
stage, whether it be today, tomorrow, next week, whenever it may be take a look
at your attitude and then take a look at situations that are currently causing
you stress, or unnecessary angst and pain and see is there a way you can change
your attitude towards these situations, if you can come up with a different
method of dealing with it maybe try that and see how it goes!! Good Luck with
it… I hope you can get a balance…
Through this time of change it is important to think of
those around us, sometimes it is the people who we are closest to and the people
that we love the most that actually can be the worst supporters of our change
because they find it very hard to get used to the new person we are trying to
become, they are so used to us being a certain way that it can be hard for them
to understand why exactly it is we want to lose weight and especially if like
me you were always so happy and content by hiding behind your “mask”, it can be
confusing for them to think that we were not happy with the way we were and the
phrases such as “Shure aren’t you grand the way you are” or “why would you want
to go losing weight”, it is times like this that you really have to trust the
voice within and remind yourself that your decision to lose weight is for
yourself and it is about doing what is right for you.
For me, I know that I
have lost weight before, just over four stone and I know I never took full
advantage of that weight loss, I think I just felt it wasn’t a great
achievement at the time and in the end I
put the weight all back on along with a few more stone and I wish now that I
could go back and see myself then, bottle up how good I felt and looked, unfortunately
there’s no time machine that can do that (seriously I think a time machine
should be higher on a scientists to-do list!!)
But I can go back to that time, not using a time machine or point
my finger like Sabrina the Teenage Witch and have my wishes appear at the speed
of light, I have to go the old-fashioned route of plain hard work, I want to do
it though because at the moment I do not like how I look, my weight certainly
does not make me feel good about myself and I am not happy with being overweight.
I don’t want to spend any more years of my life feeling like crap, trying to
cover up everything, being constantly worried about people looking at me and
wondering what they are thinking about me.
I know that there is not a better time than right now to
change.
One of my goals in the future is to be able to go out in
public, stand tall, wear what I want to wear and feel good about myself… I know
that this goal is a long way off but it’s one of my goals and as the saying
goes “If you can dream it, you can achieve it”
I would be very interested in knowing if you too feel the
same as me or do you feel different??
Everyone is different, everyone has different weights, body
shapes, personalities and opinions however we all have one common goal and that
is to make that number on the scale smaller week by week and we can do it, let
the sunshine in and shine bright like a diamond… (I bet some of ye started to
sing Rihanna after seeing that line haha)
Take it one day at a time…
One pound at a time…
Remember if ye need to vent or feel down or anything ye can
contact me on my e-mail address, I’m always here.
Happy Slimming,
Little Miss Sunshine
Xx
