Here's to Fresh Starts and New Beginnings....

Hello Everyone! 

Gosh it's being ages since I last wrote a blog, its been well over a month anyway and I have to say I missed it so much!!! 

It's actually weird to sit down and start back into it again but it's a nice kinda weird even though it involves a lot of other feelings and emotions too.... 

Just a little note on how my weight loss journey has being going, well I would first of all take the word loss out of the equation as I actually haven't lost one ounce but I have gained and gained a good bit.. I hurt my foot therefore exercise went out the window, even walking, normal day to day walking proved to be very painful and I often found myself coming home from work throwing on the slippers and just sitting down because the pain was just so bad, of course I didn't go into the doctor purely out of fear of the obligatory weight talk and even the mention of the word BMI  sends a cold, dead shiver down my spine, deep down I think the pain in my foot is my body telling me to lose some frickin weight because I literally can't hold my weight anymore but not even that was enough to make me cop on.... 

The last few weeks I ate so much s**t, it would make Gillian McKeith of "you are what you eat" have heart palpitations and literally turn her nose up in absolute disgust....  you name it and I probably ate it- I'm talking pastries, biscuits, cakes, coleslaw, potato salad, bread and I ate enough cheese that would make Gerry out of the cartoon "Tom and Gerry" a very jealous mouse indeed!! 

I just kept eating, I didn't give two damns about the effects all this bad food was having on me, I stopped going to group because "I thought I could do it on my own" (hahahaha more fool me and a note to anyone who is thinking along the same sentiments- DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE UP ON CLASS, trust me you will be sorry you did!) 

I have to say even though I was eating so much I felt kinda content in my life, I was happy which is completely out of character, I didn't feel the usual guilt that I normally associate with over eating, I knew I shouldn't be doing it but I was happy so I adopted the attitude of "to hell with it, I deserve a treat", deep down I felt that lump in my stomach, it's so hard to explain it's kinda like a knot and I have it constantly, it never leaves, it's like my stalker really as no matter how hard I try it will not budge from the pit of my stomach- this knot is, I feel, my guilt, my shame, my embarrassment, my humiliation, my sadness that I have allowed myself to become a girl I no longer recognize as I am covered in layers of fat, when I look in the mirror I can't see anything only my weight, that's all I recognize now and  I feel as if I've abandoned the true me and all for the sake of a bar of f***ing chocolate (how stupid can a person really be, why is it that we feel we can't function in life without food? why do we rely so heavily on food? why do we use food as a crutch when we're happy, sad, tired, excited, nervous?)

Then came the moment of realization that I needed to stop the way I was going... 

On the morning of Saturday the 11th of July, I woke up just like any other morning, got up, threw on the dressing gown and went to the kitchen to make breakfast, I made toast and lathered the butter on in every corner and did it twice just for good measure and to ensure that I left no piece of toast without a bit of butter, after all it would be a tragedy to have a bit of toast without it being fully covered in butter! So far everything was going just fine, I was in good humour thinking of what I would do with my day, I made a cup of coffee and brought it and the toast into the living room, I left them on the coffee table and then I went to sit down on the couch, when I sat down I heard a huge bang, at first I didn't know what it was then I realised that I had broken the couch, I initially started laughing because that's how I deal with nerves, I laugh as I don't know what else to do then after a few seconds of laughing the tears began to flow and realization kicked in of what had just happened- I broke the couch, a big couch, a strong couch, a sturdy couch and I went and broke it.... 

If there was a hole in the ground at that very moment I would of gladly gone into it without a second thought, I wanted to disappear somewhere and never come back, I often read in the magazines of people having a life changing moment when they knew it was time to lose weight but I always thought it would never actually happen, although I still lived in fear of something happening, I was always one step ahead and I took measures to avoid these "moments"-I won't go on a plane out of fear of the seat belt not going around me, I don't go out in case someone comments on my appearance, I won't go shopping or try on clothes in changing rooms in case they don't fit or I can't get anything in my size or getting stuck in something in the changing room and having to call the assistant to cut me out of a dress, I avoid going to theme parks because I have visions of getting stuck in the chair and having to be cut out of it, my passport is out of date the last two years now and I won't even renew it because it would mean that I have to take a photo and I just don't want to be seen like this now, a good friend of mine got me the application form to renew it and i just can't get the photo taken out of pure and utter shame!! There I was taking all these precautions protecting myself from mishaps that may happen on the outside world that when I broke the couch I was utterly devastated because my home was the place I considered to be my safe haven, a place where I could be "safe" and not worry about finding myself in any life changing or embarrassing situations (how wrong I was)

Now people who know me will say "you think your big, your not actually that big" the truth is I am however I do not look anything like the weight that I actually am, sometimes I thank God for that other times I ask why because it nearly gives me a comfort that its not too bad, I have seen people in magazines in their before pictures, they're lighter than me yet they look twice the size and it tricks me into thinking it's not too bad and I eat more but that Saturday was my "moment of realization", it was at that minute that I knew I couldn't keep going on the way I was going because if I did I would be 30 stone before I was 30 and I would probably be in a documentary for Discovery Health about "Ireland's fattest person" or something along them lines and I don't want that.

I can't begin to explain how I felt all day that Saturday, I cried, I cursed, I paced the floor thinking of what I would do, I went to the shop, this is a danger zone (Did anyone else just sing a bit of Kenny Loggins there?!?! Me Too!) for me as I wouldn't take any notice of buying 4 or 5 multi packs of bars and eating them on the way home but that day was different I looked at the chocolate but I no longer had craving for it, I no longer felt as if I needed to have all that chocolate, I no longer saw it as a life saving drug or something that I absolutely had to have in order to function properly. The knot in my stomach was so strong now that I had physical pain and I felt as if I was going to vomit. I was disgusted with myself I thought about so many different options of how to lose weight, I went from thinking about the sensible option of eating less and moving more to a fitness boot-camp out abroad to even looking up gastric bands! 

I decided in the end to just re-join group (the best option I think and the most realistic out of all my options and the most affordable option), I had to join a new group as the other group didn't suit me that week and I didn't want to wait another week because I was in the zone now and I wanted to start and get going.. 

So I went, I was sick with nerves, I drove up and down past the venue for about 15 minutes wondering would I or would I not go, then a strength from within grabbed hold of me and said "Just go", then the thought of the couch came into my mind and I knew I had to go in so I parked and went in, it was in a GAA center so it wasn't just the slimming class there, when I walked thorough the doors I hadn't a clue where to go, I felt like a child again lost and looking to be found, I stood on the floor and just stared into space, I didn't know where to go I was hoping and praying that someone would come along and I could ask, however no one came so I had to look around, I walked towards the first door I saw I went in and to my pure embarrassment I walked into a group of men playing football, I felt just like Bridget Jones when she went to the party dressed up in fancy dress while everyone else was there in their formal wear, when I walked in I froze I didn't know what to do, looking back the most logical thing would of been to just turn around and walk out the door silently and quickly but do you think I did the logical thing?? Of course not! I stood on the floor for what felt like an eternity (even though I think it was less than a minute!!) but given the amount of embarrassment I felt (I could feel my cheeks going a shade of Red that Rudolph would want to have himself for the festive period) I stood there, everyone turned around and just looked at me and I couldn't think of anything to say only "Sorry I'm looking for slimming world, this isn't slimming world" I had a nervous laugh then turned around and went out the door, even going out the door proved a challenge as I was so nervous I just couldn't really get the door to work in my favour and as I walked out the door I'm nearly certain I could hear a little giggle coming from the room, this was enough to make me want to just jump in my car and drive home but the picture of the couch was cemented into my mind and I was not going to give up now.....


I finally saw a sign which lead me in the right direction and I finally got to the right door. I stood outside the door and took a deep breath and walked in, I sat down for the new members talk and I cleared my mind of everything I had heard before and just started fresh... after all this is a new me... When our induction was over I took a seat for the meeting and listened to how everyone had done during the week... I picked up some handy tips and it was nice to hear how other people were getting on with their journey..

After the talk came the hard part- my very own weigh-in, I was so scared stepping up on the scales, then the number flashed up, a number that has never been on the scales before when I stepped on, at that moment my world crumbled around me, I was now the heaviest that I have ever been, I was a weight that an average man would not even be and yet there I was staring at a number that I never ever want to see, it disgusts me, it really does so between seeing the number on the scales and breaking the couch I had enough fire in my belly to give it a proper go this time, I cried all the way home, I cried when I got home, I cried going to sleep and I cried the next day but I was ok with that I think sometimes that has to just be released in order to move on so I let the tears come for as long as I had to... 

On Thursday morning I woke up, I measured my milk for the day (something I never did in my life), I packed my bag with all my meals for the day, which I had planned the night before and I headed off to work, I had my breakfast at work (2 weetabix), this in itself is a big change because I would usually get up at 6 am and not have my breakfast until half 9 or 10 o'clock however not anymore I had my breakfast at 7 am and for my 9.30 break I had fresh fruit and yogurt! Then I had my lunch which was a pre planned meal and dinner was also pre planned.

I planned my meals every day this week, I have filled out a tracker everyday this week (everything went down on the tracker), I have done some form of exercise everyday, even though my foot is still sore so I only do weights and that kind of stuff as walking still is too sore on my foot but I like exercising as it does so much for my head, I just feel so good after it! I have drank more water than usual, however for the coming week this is something that I aim to improve on as I would like to drink more! I'm eating more fruit and veg and being totally honest I feel so good staying on track and sticking to the book... 

I have had a golden week and I am so very proud of myself as I think it is the first time ever that I was so strict with myself, last week at group I said that I aim to lose three pound this week, I hope I achieve this aim as it really would be the icing on the cake (even when I type that I have no craving whatsoever for cake, if that was a few weeks ago I think even typing the word cake would have me salivating at the thought of the word!! so I think I have actually gotten better in that regard! Hooray!) however, if I don't achieve the three pound I just have to carry on because I know in my heart and soul that I have given it 100% and I know that if I continue to give it 100% that I will eventually see the results!

Sorry for the rant, I wanted to write this even though I have to say that I would of found it so much easier not to talk about my embarrassing experience, I felt I had to, I would like anyone who is reading this and feeling that they can not do anything about their weight to please, please, please look at yourself and just say "I can do this and I will do this", I know it's scary, it's hard, it's frustrating, it's emotional, it's tedious, it's boring, it's strict, it can be disappointing, it needs a lot of dedication, hard work, sacrifices have to be made, good habits have to be undertaken, it requires persistence but just think when you get to your goal and you feel that sense of pride and the sense that "yes I achieved this, it took lots of hard work but hell I got there in the end", just close your eyes and picture yourself at goal, think about what you will look like and how you will feel, can you get a warm feeling in your stomach? A sense of excitement? Remember that feeling and any time that you feel like giving up close your eyes and picture yourself at goal. Within you right now at this very moment, as you read this is the power to do things that you thought you could never do, clear them negative thoughts, start to say "out with the negatives and in with the positives" The power that you have is very strong and it can be used by you just as soon as you change your beliefs... 

A negative mind will never giver you a positive life....

Today is the day that you stop:

• Feeling Down
• Living in the Past
• Putting Things Off
• Letting People Use You
• Feeling your a Failure
• Thinking about Long Ago
• Putting up with Nonsense
• Thinking Nobody Wants You
• Thinking You can't do anything right

Today is the day you STOP and the day you start fresh and new!

If anyone is struggling e-mail me: littlemisssunshineisshrinking@gmail.com, 

I'll be your listening ear, you can vent away and if I can help with anything I promise I will try my very best, never feel alone because trust me your not, if you know anyone who needs a little guidance share this with them sometimes all they need to see is that someone else is struggling too to know that it's ok to feel that way...

Don't spend your life counting the days instead make each day count... You were born to make an impact and just remember that each and every positive step you take in the right direction is taking you that one step closer to your goal....

Stay Strong, 

Believe and Trust in Yourself,

Little Miss Sunshine

xxxx